Jaden's Birthday

Jaden's birthday was another thing that I missed in my absence of blogging. Honestly, it might have been the reason I lost my motivation to blog. March 12 he would have turned 7. It's amazing to think that I could have a 7 year old. We spent the day doing our normal celebration's for his birthday, balloons at the cemetery and a cake. It was a hard day. Having a boy now (Tobyn) has made a few things become more real to me. The mother-son bonding is just different from girls. Unfortunately, Tobyn doesn't satisfy that need for me. I still long to know what my relationship would be like to him. I keep picturing a skinny boy with dusty blond hair snuggling with me in bed, giggling and poking me. But I don't really know. Those are simply my thoughts. There is a little boy that I know that happens to have the same exact birthday as Jaden. He is a sweet blessing to watch. He is a nice visual to try to fill some of the emptiness I have. He is not Jaden, but he gives me an idea of what he might be like. I can remember thinking in the dark days when we lost Jaden, that this wasn't going to be something I was going to be able to get over. I can look back now and still think that I was right. Rather, it has become something that I have learned to live with. Every year I mourn for him, but with every year my mourning changes. This year I mourn for the seven year old boy who should be driving me crazy with his energy. And even though that sounds like something that I should be happy to not have to deal with, that saddens me to think that I'm missing out on it.

Jaden has also been on my mind a lot lately because of a dear friend of mine. Although, her story is different, she is having to walk this same road. Her precious son, Noah, is now with the Lord, too. This was never a journey that I would want anyone to go through, but the sinful world we live in tends to bring it upon others. I can remember moments of anger and rage, and feelings as if God had abandon me. Yet, I can look back know and see God's tender hand of mercy, comfort, and healing everywhere. I was so weak that He carried me, and because I was so weak I didn't always know He was there. In my quiet times right before I lost Jaden, I happened to be reading Job. God was preparing me. I can remember thinking of the verse "God giveth and God taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord," and wondering if I was really suppose to feel that way. What I did hold onto was that God is good. God has always been good and God will always be good. He does not change. I know that is what my friend is doing. She is holding onto God's goodness. She is still going through a terribly dark valley right now, and I'm sure there will times when it is hard to see where she is going. The road is not over for her, and quite frankly, it never will be. The intensity of the pain and sorrow does change, though. In the past 7 years there has not been a day that I have not thought of Jaden. He made an imprint on my heart that will never be removed. My thoughts of Jaden are now, not always sad ones. I do have moments of happy images of a playful boy. I'm writing this mainly because I know that there are a lot of you who know the Cutlips, and maybe this will give you a little insight into what they are feeling. They have a long road ahead of them and they still need your prayers and friendship. Don't be afraid to walk this road with them.

Jaden you are still in my thoughts, in my heart, and I truly do still miss you.

To Tom and Jen, words don't express how sad I am for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers. We are always here to walk along with you.

"God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5