Jaden's Birthday

Jaden's birthday was another thing that I missed in my absence of blogging. Honestly, it might have been the reason I lost my motivation to blog. March 12 he would have turned 7. It's amazing to think that I could have a 7 year old. We spent the day doing our normal celebration's for his birthday, balloons at the cemetery and a cake. It was a hard day. Having a boy now (Tobyn) has made a few things become more real to me. The mother-son bonding is just different from girls. Unfortunately, Tobyn doesn't satisfy that need for me. I still long to know what my relationship would be like to him. I keep picturing a skinny boy with dusty blond hair snuggling with me in bed, giggling and poking me. But I don't really know. Those are simply my thoughts. There is a little boy that I know that happens to have the same exact birthday as Jaden. He is a sweet blessing to watch. He is a nice visual to try to fill some of the emptiness I have. He is not Jaden, but he gives me an idea of what he might be like. I can remember thinking in the dark days when we lost Jaden, that this wasn't going to be something I was going to be able to get over. I can look back now and still think that I was right. Rather, it has become something that I have learned to live with. Every year I mourn for him, but with every year my mourning changes. This year I mourn for the seven year old boy who should be driving me crazy with his energy. And even though that sounds like something that I should be happy to not have to deal with, that saddens me to think that I'm missing out on it.

Jaden has also been on my mind a lot lately because of a dear friend of mine. Although, her story is different, she is having to walk this same road. Her precious son, Noah, is now with the Lord, too. This was never a journey that I would want anyone to go through, but the sinful world we live in tends to bring it upon others. I can remember moments of anger and rage, and feelings as if God had abandon me. Yet, I can look back know and see God's tender hand of mercy, comfort, and healing everywhere. I was so weak that He carried me, and because I was so weak I didn't always know He was there. In my quiet times right before I lost Jaden, I happened to be reading Job. God was preparing me. I can remember thinking of the verse "God giveth and God taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord," and wondering if I was really suppose to feel that way. What I did hold onto was that God is good. God has always been good and God will always be good. He does not change. I know that is what my friend is doing. She is holding onto God's goodness. She is still going through a terribly dark valley right now, and I'm sure there will times when it is hard to see where she is going. The road is not over for her, and quite frankly, it never will be. The intensity of the pain and sorrow does change, though. In the past 7 years there has not been a day that I have not thought of Jaden. He made an imprint on my heart that will never be removed. My thoughts of Jaden are now, not always sad ones. I do have moments of happy images of a playful boy. I'm writing this mainly because I know that there are a lot of you who know the Cutlips, and maybe this will give you a little insight into what they are feeling. They have a long road ahead of them and they still need your prayers and friendship. Don't be afraid to walk this road with them.

Jaden you are still in my thoughts, in my heart, and I truly do still miss you.

To Tom and Jen, words don't express how sad I am for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers. We are always here to walk along with you.

"God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all." 1 John 1:5

Taylin's 6th Birthday

This past Saturday was Taylin's 6th birthday. Again, it is amazing how time flies! She is becoming such a big girl, and out growing all of the little girl things! She is my sweet, tenderhearted one. She thinks about things in depth, and is becoming very alert to sensitive situations. She is also my child who can become very broken hearted. In her wrong doings, you can see her conviction all over her. She is also very eager to play all the time as well as being extremely sociable. So, she decided for her birthday that she wanted to go celebrate it with her cousins down in Mesa.

Opening presents in pj's. This is becoming one of our family traditions to wake up to presents.

This was my attempt at a special, fun, birthday breakfast that was full of Taylin's favorite foods.

Having her little party with her cousins at my sister's house. She was way spoiled!

We went to a place called "Makutu's" for the kids. It basically is a giant McDonalds on steroids except all the play equipment is made into a jungle theme. There are huge trees that the slides and the climbing equipment are all intertwined with. It was pretty darn cool. I even had my fair share of play time in it. This is Kolton going down one of the fire poles.

Henry and Jennica are really working out their energy.

Taylin on the zip line!

Here's my daughter who won't look at the camera! I'm waiting for this phase to end!

My star!

Henry's working away at the pinata.

My sister and niece put together a cute Hawaiian theme for Taylin. Which was a very nice change from all the princess stuff and barbies!

Tobyn finally crashed! He had a full day!

Tobyn

Tobyn's first birthday is rapidly approaching! I think I have about two more weeks until the day. It's quite amazing how time flies! He is still quite the sweet heart. His little personality is emerging more and more everyday. He likes to test things. If mommy or daddy tell him no, he looks at us and attempts again, just to make sure that we really mean it. He loves to give kisses. His favorite time to give mommy kisses is when I'm not paying attention to him. He knows that if he kisses me, I'll stop and give him some attention. Taylin is his rescuer. When mommy is to busy to deal with him, Taylin will always gladly replace me. He is learning that she understands him well, and she's funny, too. Rayna and Tobyn have a love hate relationship. Rayna can be the funniest sister, but she is always too lovey! Tobyn often wants his space! He has gotten four teeth and is working on his fifth one right now. He is still crawling and got along way to go before he gets steady on those feet. He has got to get rid of his tippy toes!

Sissies toys are the best!

Every child of mine, has at one time or another, gotten into the diapers. I'm not sure what it is that is so exciting about them. It's a real kick!

I'm a big boy, pulling myself up on stuff.

Mom says this is a no, but really, what is she going to do?

This was one of those moments where Tobyn had to deal. Taylin came to his rescue, and this was to cute to just pass up.

I'm all over the house these days!

Easter 2010!

For Easter this year we went to my parent's house in Prescott Valley and met up with both my sister's and brother's families. The kids had a blast playing together. The girls were more excited about seeing their cousins than Easter itself!

Dying eggs is always so much fun!

I think we had an abundance!

First Easter basket!

I really do still love this man. He is amazing. The two of us just often get put on the back burner with the chaos of everyday life.

And they're off to find the eggs!

I'm Back!

I know I've been a little absent lately, but I'm back to try to catch up. My heart has desired to blog, but lately my laziness has won. Normally, Wednesdays are my one free night of the week and "The Biggest Loser" has been calling my name. I'm an addict, what can I say? So, it may take me a little bit to catch up, but bare with me.

For Spring Break we went on a trip to San Diego. We went to Sea World with the kids for the first time and they had a blast. They were very enthralled with Shamu. After we came home we rented Free Willy and the girls felt very connected to it.

Tobyn and Daddy at Sea World

I was unsuccessful our whole trip at getting a good picture of the girls. Rayna, really is my obstacle. She won't look at the camera! Uggh! I got lucky here on this shot, but Taylin just happens to not be cooperating! Oh, well. It's a beautiful back drop.

All three kids loved the beach. They could have stayed there for days! Sand, seashells, rocks, waves, who needs more?

Tobyn had a blast, but boy was he fun to clean up!

Our attempt at a family picture. Better luck next time!

This was on the harbor behind our hotel. We got lucky and scored a great hotel on the board walk right next to Seaport Village.

Sometimes they really can be cute.