Happy Birthday Jaden

Today was Jaden's 6th birthday. Its hard to believe that its been six years. When I look at my family, there are definite indicators that tell, why yes its been six years, but when I remember the day, its only seems like yesterday. Six years ago I clung to the saying that time would heal my broken heart. I guess there is some truth to that, but my broken heart has changed. It is not the same as it was six years ago. Six years ago I grieved for my infant son. Today, I grieve for my 6 year old boy.

Its hard to imagine what our family would look like with Jaden here, its even harder to picture what he would look like today. When Taylin was six weeks old my grandmother passed away. God sent me a beautiful vision on the morning of her funeral. I saw my grandmother and grandfather (who passed away 3 years before) with healthy beautiful faces and my precious little Jaden in between them. He was about 15 months old with floppy brown hair, Taylin's little brown eyes, Rayna's button nose, and of course our families chubby cheeks. That vision has held me for a long time, but now I find myself wanting more. A six year old looks a lot different from a 15 month old.

We spent the day with the girls remembering Jaden with what are now our traditions. We go and pick out balloons, bring them to the gravesite, and let them go. Its our way of sending balloons up to him on his birthday. Then we have a picnic there. The girls and I made a birthday cake for him and we sang "Happy Birthday" to him tonight. The girls honestly love his birthday. Its a true celebration for them, not necessarily a day of sadness. Although, this year they were convinced that Jaden needed a birthday party and that he also needed to be able to eat a piece of his own cake! So, they prayed and asked God to give Jaden a birthday party in heaven and also so that he could eat some of his own cake. The things that press on their hearts.

Jaden's birthday is a nice time that I feel like I am allowed to dream about my son. What would he be like? How would life be like running him to school everyday? Would we be watching soccer games, t-ball games, or maybe karate? Would he be tall and skinny like one sister, or tall and husky like the other one, or would he be altogether different? I don't know how things really work when you get to heaven, but its nice to dream that he is growing up in heaven like he would here on earth. That he does get to have those birthday parties and play all those games. I don't understand God's ways, and I've learned that its better to just accept and stop asking. I know that Jaden is well taken care of and is in a great place, but today is just one of those days when I am reminded of how much I wanted to be a part of it all.

I miss you Jaden, and you are forever in my heart.